Want The Glow?

"Sister you are gorgeous," she says to me as I stand beside her in the line at Subway. I smile and thank her. She continues on saying "I love your hair and your color. You are so beautiful! I wish I had the courage to wear my natural hair; girl I couldn't do it." She searches my expression for agreement and understanding but finds pity and  disappointment. So many times I have heard these kinds of comments from women of color and each time it hurts a little more than the last. I once was her.

I would stare in admiration at other sisters who had the "courage" to rock their unpermed afros, twists and locks. Sisters who's confidence seemed unmatched by any of the women I ever saw leaving the salon with a freshly woven sew-in, glued in tracks or a "no lye" lie. There was something different about these women who wore their natural hair. There was something burning deep down inside of me that connected us but they had found their fire and exuded the flames. They had an iridescent glow. I wanted to discover and nourish that connection but instead I starved myself of that glow and continued to douse my flame.

I was the weave queen you hear me! Child I got my first perm at the tender age of 5 because my grandmother convinced my mother that it was best. It didn't take much convincing because of the daily struggle my mother faced with me running from the comb and crying and screaming at the top of my lungs throughout the entire process. Ever since then my hair has been fried, dyed and layed to the side in every way imaginable. I learned early how to do my own hair. All it took was for me to see a style done once or twice before I had it perfected. And because all of the women around me were so programmed to societies view of beauty, all I knew were chemicals and extensions. I was well into my junior year of college before I even realized that there was an underlying issue with me never wanting to wear my natural hair.

It was market Thursday on campus. My friends and I walked down the prominade after class looking at different displays and spending money on frivilous accessories and sometimes necessities. Toward the end of the strip, there was a new booth that attracted our attention. The booth was decorated with all kinds of pictures of crazy weaves and newspaper clippings and movie posters displaying people of color as specific animals or as homosexuals. The person who was running the booth told us about a book store he was about to open up on campus and explained to us what point he was trying to make with the pictures that he hung up around his station. (I will not get into the details about the entire conversation that we had because that in itself is an entirely different blog discussion). He explained the pictures of the women with these crazy colored and styled weaves. Long story short, we had a lengthy discussion about dissociation and marketing and advertising. By the end of our conversation I had an epiphany. I am my hair! I am my skin. I am everything that is the make-up of me!

Black, White, red or orange, at my age most people are still trying to "find themselves." So how is one to recognize themself behind a fascade? When you are taught as early on as 5 years old that what you already have is not acceptable [and ever since you have just been going with the flow], how can you think for one second that you are not still lost? I once read a comment by a young lady that said "Nobody likes to be the ONE person in a crowd who stands out all the time, and Black women already look different than other women (which is great sometimes). I think for many of us, having our hair out would just make us feel even more different than everyone else, and sometimes its just more comfortable to fit in." I wish I was around when she made this comment or that I knew her so that I could ask her Did our Creator make us all different in order for us to learn how to fit in? It was then that I decided to start my process.

There were times where I would go months and months up to a year without getting a perm but I would still wear wigs and sew-ins not understanding that I was defeating the purpose of "the process." Each time I would go for a long period of time without a perm but end up freaking out because when I took my weave out I felt that I looked bad so slapped the chemicals right back in my head after all the time I went to get rid of them. I probably did this about 4 times over a period of 3years. It took me moving to Baltimore and being forced into a place of solitude, silence and meditation for me to buckle down and get serious about following through with "the process." I cut my perm off New Years day 2009 and again, covered it with weaves, braids, etc. Then I decided to wear it out one day. Its crazy to me how uncomfortable I was in my own skin. Those feelings encouraged me to stop wearing weave from that point on. The goal was to make sure I loved myself as I am.

I have been natural for about 8 months now and I have such a genuine love for myself inside and out! "The Process" as it turns out, is one of self-actualization. Where I was once uncomfortable with my looks in a society that tells me what I should look like, I am now the most confident I have ever been in my entire life! I get up every morning, put a little mousse in my hair and im on my way. I spend much less time in the mirror focused on what I look like and what people will think of the way I look. Randomly, I even find that I attract the type of people that I prefer to be around. I am complimented nonstop. I hear what a beautiful or gorgeous Queen I am [not that I never heard it before but I hear it more often now] versus the "you sexy" comments I was more used to. The real prize is that my mind has been totally liberated from 20years of cosmetic brainwashing and I'm loving every bit of it!

Don't get me wrong sisters I am not agaist weave! I am however, all for self love and esteem. I will put a weave in my hair if I feel like it but the difference is that it is no longer a security blanket. I think that everyone should try "the process." It has done more for me than I ever expected and I have finally achieved that glow! :)